Written June 25th, 2020. When the group started angel bothering I made this journal entry up. I wanted a front facing blog, but didn’t follow through.
I’m unsure how to even begin this, but I know it must be done. As things fit together it’s apparent I must take the work more seriously. There is a need to elevate it and share it.
Introductions provide context and in this work that is so very important. We all approach these things through the lens of our lived experiences. Something crosses your path…a book, a thought, a sync, or a dream that unravels everything you knew up until that moment.
I was raised Wiccan and Christian. Not that either was pushed upon me, but family members shared those currants with me. My mother brought me to rituals from time to time, my grandmothers to church. Neither seemed all that serious or necessary. I enjoyed parts of both, but it also seemed like so much was being left out. Though to be fair, I doubt I was paying that much attention. I learn by doing.
In my teen years I was too busy to be bothered with anything but some light divination. By my early twenties I had children of my own. I shifted toward a more atheist or agnostic view. I read some Dawkins, I did a deep dive into the Bible and where it comes from, how it’s been edited and changed. I got my feet wet in some comparative religion. I loved understanding why and what people believed in, but nothing really clicked as something I should believe in. If you looked at my bookshelf, you might think I was deeply religious.
In my late twenties I had A Moment… a moment where something clicks and things start to fall apart or is it fall together? Whichever it is… things changed. I went down a few paths searching to ultimately put things to the side. Then in my mid thirties I had another Moment. I will share that moment because it feels so silly it’s worth comemerating.
I like to watch ASMR videos, especially in the afternoon of a work day… just 10-15 minutes of a video seems to refresh my brain. I had taken to listening to reiki asmr videos. Hand movements seem to be a good trigger for me. At that point in time I’d been watching exclusively reiki videos for 8 months or so. I literally paid zero attention to what she was saying, I just knew they made me feel better. She did one session for retrieving soul fragments. I barely paid attention to the words she said but within 24 hours I was following a Wikipedia rabbit hole of occult teachings. I can’t even tell you what my first question was that I googled. I think I was a few weeks into researching things before I put together what had happened.
From there I stumbled through books… some Crowley (as we all do) some chaos magick, some grimoires. John Dee was particularly fascinating. I found Scarlet Imprint and The Red Goddess. That book spoke to me on a level I didn’t know. Babalon was my focus for a long time. She still is but I balance her with a great deal of devotion to Mary. I’ve made peace with Christianity and Catholicism. I jumped into practice before I knew what I was doing. I made mistakes. I got moved around the board… a lot.
If I had to be honest about my practice it would be centered somewhere between new age and occultism. Candle magick, sigils and prayer are centerpieces. I get squirrely when occultism gets too close to cermonial magic. Something about that always feels like the rituals and church visits of my youth, yes we are doing The Thing… but I’m so disconnected from the reasons that it feels empty. I do my best magick on a whim. Inspired by something, fumbling in the dark. With that comes some shame. I see others pointing to extensive research on herbs, grimoires, ancient mythology, astrology. I can just shrug and say I felt “called” to do this thing.
And here is where we land. I feel called to dive deeper into the real work of magic. Angels in particular feel potent, but I’m also feeling like I need more structure… more documentation. I hope for this to be a transparent record of my work and a way to hold myself accountable. So here is to beginnings!